Self-inflicted Misery & A cry for help.

First, my family. My family… I can’t even consider ours a family. My mom is elsewhere, I can’t stand hearing about my brother – let alone seeing him (we live under the same roof), my dad is… non-participative.

Second, my job. More accurately, my boss. She’s a bitch and I can’t stand her. Apparently no one else can either because it only took 2 weeks for some people to leave. WHY HAVEN’T I QUIT, YOU ASK?? well, its because…

Third, I’M BROKE AS FUCK. I am currently looking for another job but no one’s contacted me yet. 

Fourth, RANDOM SHITTY THINGS JUST KEEP HAPPENING TO ME. THINGS THAT DO NOT MAKE ME HAPPY. THINGS THAT PISS ME OFF AND MAKE ME ANGRY. THINGS THAT JUST MAKES ME WANT TO SLEEP FOREVER. like.. I can’t even deal with shit. I DONT want to deal with shit. I REFUSE to deal with shit. If I could sleep through this year, I’d probably do that.

 

Do we choose TO BE MISERABLE? 

This question just came to me minutes before I started writing this post. I actually think I’m in a quarter-life crisis. I honestly don’t know what to do with my life. Sometimes i just find myself staring into oblivion, thinking about what a failure I am. Or picturing myself failing in the future and never getting to where I want to be. I hate my life too much. I just wanna stop hating on everyone!!!!!! I just wanna stop hating everything.

I’m so fucking tired…

Tired of feeling sorry for myself…

Tired of hating everyone and everything…

Tired of crying myself to sleep…

Tired of being a failure…

Tired of not knowing what to do…

Tired of blaming everyone for whats happening to me…

Tired of endless bitterness in my heart.

 

What’s worse is that I know I’m miserable because of the way I approach/see things. Like the universe is just out to get me and I have no defense against it. Like I cant even protect myself from all the bad shit thats happening. That I probably deserve everything that’s happening to me. I basically have too much negative emotions – too much anger, too much hatred, too much history, too much I cant forget, and too much I refuse to forgive. How do people forgive? I sincerely think its the hardest thing to do in life. I know it takes time.. but how much time? how much time before it stops hurting? how much time do I need to be able to forgive? WILL I EVER BE ABLE TO FORGIVE?! Someone help me. Please. I’m begging you. Teach me how to forgive. I CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY, NOT MISERABLE, BUT IS IT POSSIBLE WITHOUT FORGIVENESS? 

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